The author shares experiences from communicating with a friend who always enjoyed sex with her partner, exploring toys and openly discussing her needs while maintaining a financially comfortable life. However, it turns out she also developed a problem with libido.
The friend admitted that she has to make significant efforts to maintain their sex life because she feels it is her duty to please her partner. This raises the topic of so-called 'sex out of duty.'
Although the phrase 'sex out of duty' sounds unromantic, the author notes that many of us have encountered situations where we agreed to intimacy simply because 'we have to.'
Sex out of duty is intimacy that occurs due to the day of the week, the length of time since the last sexual encounter, persistent hints from the partner, the desire to avoid disappointment, or the fear that refusal will lead to resentment or seeking satisfaction outside the relationship.
The author emphasizes that it is sometimes perfectly normal to have sex even if you are not in the mood, provided it is your genuine choice. Sometimes attraction arises after affection is shown, rather than before it; for example, after a hug or a kiss.
However, there is a substantial difference between consciously choosing intimacy and feeling obligated to someone sexually, and this difference is very important. Sex is not a contract to maintain a marriage.
Many come to believe that having a serious relationship implies certain sexual obligations: one partner needs it, and the other does not, and someone must compromise. As a result, sex turns into the currency of the relationship, used to maintain peace, prevent arguments, or demonstrate stability.
Women often find themselves in this situation, balancing work, children, caring for aging parents, financial pressure, menopause, fatigue, and general household management, which makes the idea of adding sexual activity to the evening schedule unappealing. Nevertheless, many feel guilty when they refuse.
Men are not immune to difficulties either: there is an expectation that men should always be ready, desirous, and capable. A man who does not initiate sex or show interest may begin to doubt his masculinity or worry about himself.
Ultimately, both partners can feel inadequate, rejected, or resentful. Nobody wins.
Perhaps the real problem lies not in sex itself, but in a lack of closeness. Often, the terms 'sex' and 'intimacy' are used interchangeably, but they are not. Sex is a physical act, whereas intimacy is a connection that makes us feel desired, understood, safe, and valued.
The irony is that the more sex becomes an expectation, the less intimate the relationship feels. You can have sex three times a week and still feel deep loneliness, or conversely, experience a slump in your sex life while remaining deeply connected to your partner.
A sustained discrepancy in sexual desire can become a real problem in a relationship that requires attention, conversation, and possibly professional help. However, the solution is not to turn one partner into a sexual service provider and the other into a dissatisfied client.
Perhaps the question should be different: when was the last time you made your partner feel desired without expecting anything in return? When was the last time you touched each other without any hint of sex? When was the last time you flirted or had a meaningful conversation about what excites you and what doesn't?
Most importantly—when was the last time you felt that your partner was genuinely interested in your pleasure, and not just fulfilling a task? Desire is complex. The author admits that she still desires her partner, but at the moment, she would prefer to hit him than have sex with him.
Bodies change, hormones change, circumstances change. What worked at age 25 may not work at 55. Menopause, medication, stress, illness, body image, and relationship dynamics can affect sexual desire.
Perhaps it is necessary to stop asking how often couples should have sex and start asking if both people enjoy the sex they have. Frequency is a very weak indicator of intimacy. It is necessary to start talking about desires, what is missing, what is attractive, and what causes a sense of distance. One should be curious, not critical.
It is also recommended to temporarily remove sexual intercourse from the agenda to rediscover kisses, touches, massages, hugs, and playful attention without assuming that every interaction must end in bed. Sometimes removing the pressure to perform is exactly what allows desire to return. The author suggests rethinking expectations of sex and, more importantly, of each other, because no one should feel that their body is the price for maintaining the relationship.
