As part of the series 'Parenting: What Google Won't Tell You' from The Better India, which highlights the real experiences of families, parenting coaches and experts share honest views on parenting challenges. This series goes beyond conventional advice, documenting how families actually raise their children.
Lovely Sharma, a mother of a three-month-old in Gurgaon, Haryana, often heard the advice 'Don't spoil her by holding too tightly,' but never felt the need to follow it. When her daughter needs comfort, Lovely holds her; when the baby is hungry, she feeds her; and when she wants to hold the little one close, she doesn't worry about what someone might think about her holding her too much.
Lovely asserts: 'My main priority is for my child to feel happy, safe, and comfortable. If hugs give her comfort, I will hold her.' She believes that a child cannot be 'spoiled' because of receiving excessive love and affection.
After three months into motherhood, Lovely, who is a content creator sharing her journey with an online community, realized that although advice comes from everywhere, she didn't have to accept every word. Some recommendations eased her transition into motherhood, while others taught her to trust her own decisions. It is a process of learning what suits her daughter, letting go of others' expectations, and understanding that there is no single guide to being a good mother.
Aspects of motherhood that you are not prepared for
Before having her daughter, Lovely knew about sleepless nights, frequent feedings, and endless diaper changes. What surprised her was the emotional shift that accompanied becoming a mother. As she says, 'the experience of motherhood is like entering a completely new life.'
There are moments of joyful sleep that can change the whole day, but also hormonal changes, exhaustion, and unexpected emotions. Sometimes, even when everyone wants to hold the baby, the mother might just want to keep her close. Lovely notes: 'It is beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, and emotional all at once.'
As she navigated these changes, she became more aware of the pressure society puts on young mothers: to recover quickly, manage the household, and care for everyone while undergoing radical changes in her own life. Through her online community, she decided to share less discussed aspects of this journey, including physical recovery, stitches, hormonal changes, and the pressure to become the 'perfect' mother overnight. Lovely believes that if honesty about her experience helps even one new mother feel less alone, it is worth it.
Tips that helped her overcome guilt
One of the most valuable pieces of advice Lovely received was simple: she shouldn't feel guilty about resting, crying, asking for help, or being unable to handle everything alone. She was told: 'Just be yourself, love yourself, and love your child.' This helped her question the expectations she unconsciously placed on herself. She began to understand that being a good mother does not mean exhausting oneself or doing everything perfectly.
Looking back, she regrets realizing this later, as rest is not laziness. She emphasizes: 'Your body has just done something extraordinary. You don't need to earn the right to rest. Recovery is also productive.'
Another helpful tip concerned expressive feeding. As a mother who consciously uses a breast pump, Lovely says it gave her flexibility to rest, eat, take a shower, or just take a break while her baby continued to receive her milk. She also firmly maintains that other people's opinions should not turn feeding into a measure of motherhood. She mentions hearing phrases like 'Apni chhati se doodh pilao' or receiving sideways glances as if expressing milk makes her less of a mother. For her, the well-being of the child and the physical and mental health of the mother deserve equal attention.
Learning to parent in your own way
Not all advice found its place in Lovely's parenting journey. She decided not to swaddle her daughter, not to set a fixed sleep schedule, and not to wait for a set two-hour interval between feedings. She feeds her baby on demand and makes decisions based on what seems right for them. She also recalls advice from her best friend: 'Always talk to your child at eye level. To them, we are giants constantly giving instructions and orders.'
Sometimes Lovely kneels down to look at her daughter at the same level and talk to her like a little friend. Even at three months, this small practice increased her awareness of how she communicates with her child. When faced with conflicting advice, she found a simple way to ground herself: 'This is my child. I am learning.'
She listens to people and considers advice if it is helpful, but she also acknowledges that every child and every family is different. When suggestions such as giving the child water, soda, or honey, or tying threads on her hands, did not align with her judgment, she decided not to follow them. She is convinced that parents must continue to learn as information changes across generations.
The mother also deserves care
If Lovely could go back to her daughter's birthday, she would remind herself to appreciate the small moments, look at her child as often as possible, and find time to eat and rest. Her advice to other young mothers is to remember that parenting does not mean disappearing as a person. She advises: 'Ask for help. Rest. Eat. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go outside. Work if you want. Don't work if you don't want to.'
She also hopes that mothers will stop comparing themselves to each other. How a child is born, whether the mother breastfeeds or uses a pump, and whether she needs help should never become a hierarchy of who is a better mother. Lovely asserts: 'Being a good mother and remaining yourself are not two opposite concepts.'
Three months after giving birth to her daughter, Lovely is still exploring her child's needs, habits, and peculiarities. She does not claim to know all the answers, nor does she feel she needs to. For her, the lesson is to love her child, remain open to learning, and trust herself enough to make decisions for her family. She concludes: 'Motherhood should not be about proving how much pain you can endure. It should be about raising a child, remembering that the mother also deserves care.'
