As part of the series 'Parenting: What Google Doesn't Say,' The Better India publishes stories of real families, demonstrating how parents raise children beyond conventional advice. This story focuses on the experience of a mother from Gujarat who faced her 12-year-old son's desire to spend time away from the family.
On Sunday, the family was preparing to go out, but the son refused to join, stating, 'I am bored. I won't go with you.' Komal Bakshi's initial reaction, the mother's, was hurt and confusion over the child's sudden desire to spend time alone.
Komal, a psychologist certified by RCI with over 15 years of experience working in Gujarat, initially tried to convince her son that the outings were planned for his enjoyment and that Sundays were meant for family time. However, she gradually realized that something else was happening: her son was not distancing himself from the family, but rather beginning to seek independence.
'He wasn't leaving us behind. He was leaving something behind to add something new to his personality,' notes Komal, who now works with The Prevention Project on preventing mental health issues, parenting, emotional well-being, and relationships.
Providing freedom with a little responsibility
When her son wanted to stay home on Sunday, Komal found a solution: he could stay, but instead of ordering food, he had to cook it himself. Initially, she helped him over the phone while he mastered cooking simple dishes like oatmeal kheer and Maggi, checking if he had turned off the gas. Gradually, he became more confident in the kitchen and began cooking without constant guidance.
This approach gave him what he was looking for: self-reliance combined with responsibility. Komal believes that the gradual transfer of responsibility is crucial. Her son learns at home and plays cricket, which sometimes requires travel to other cities. Since he was 14, he has traveled between cities independently, stayed in hotels near cricket grounds, and organized his own accommodation, food, and transport.
Nothing like this happened instantly; it was a long process of learning, observation, trust, and allowing him to take responsibility.
Learning when to step back
Komal admits that learning to step back was not easy. She recalls constantly reminding her son to drink water, even tracking the number of glasses consumed. Eventually, both felt disappointed. Her sister's advice helped her: 'He is 11 years old. You have taught him everything he needed to know. Now trust your parenting.'
These words became a turning point for her. Komal stopped micromanaging and started returning responsibility to her son. 'I needed to trust my parenting. I needed to trust the process,' she says. Her method gradually changed: instead of doing everything for him, she became available when he needed her. Instead of turning every decision into a lesson, she started asking, 'What do you think?' or 'What do you want to do?'
Creating space for mistakes—and personal time
For Komal, giving a child freedom also means allowing them to make mistakes. She remembers an instance where she allowed her son to buy fragile toys that she knew could break easily, explaining the possibility to him. When they broke, she never said, 'I told you so.' Over time, he learned to make more considered decisions.
A similar approach is applied to his emotional state. When he loses a cricket match and gets upset, Komal and her husband do not try to immediately remove his sadness. Sometimes they just hug him or kiss him on the forehead, giving him space to process his feelings.
At home, 'personal time' is viewed as a healthy part of family life. Interestingly, Komal believes that giving each other this space has brought them closer. He still happily participates in family rituals, including their Saturday Monopoly games, which can last three or four hours and involve much laughter, teasing, and arguments.
From the child's world to a safe place
Komal's main conclusion is that independence is not the opposite of connection. When children say, 'I want to go alone,' 'I want to stay home,' or 'I can do this myself,' she believes that parents should not always perceive this as rejection. Sometimes it simply means: 'I am growing up.'
For Komal, parenting means a gradual transition from being everything to the child to becoming their safe place in the world. 'I realized that my job is not to ensure my son tells me everything. My job is to ensure he knows he can tell me anything.'
Perhaps this is the balance she is still learning to find: knowing when to hold the child's hand and when to let go.