Most people tend to believe that they make decisions independently. However, many of our choices, whether it is a career path or expressed opinions, are partially influenced by the desire to gain approval. The human need to be loved, respected, accepted, and valued is deeply rooted, as belonging to a group was critically important for survival for a significant part of human history.
Nevertheless, the constant pursuit of validation can cause anxiety, dependence on others' opinions, and alienation from one's own values, despite the natural pull toward connection.
There are books in the fields of psychology, philosophy, and personal growth that analyze the reason for our craving for approval and offer ways to build healthier self-esteem. One such book is 'The Courage to Be Disliked' by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
The authors of this work, based on the ideas of Alfred Adler, argue that many people build their lives around the desire to be accepted and avoid criticism, thereby sacrificing their freedom and authenticity. The book encourages readers to accept the fact that not everyone will approve of their choices, and that this is perfectly normal. It emphasizes that true happiness is achieved not through the approval of everyone, but through following one's own principles.
Another important work is 'The Gifts of Imperfection' by Brené Brown, which explores themes of vulnerability, shame, and belonging closely related to the search for approval. Brown explains how people try to earn acceptance by demonstrating perfection, hiding weaknesses, or conforming to unrealistic expectations, which often leads to disconnection instead of genuine connection. She calls for valuing authenticity rather than constantly performing for approval, asserting that self-worth should not depend on meeting others' standards.
The book 'Attached' by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller examines attachment theory and the influence of early relationship experiences on adult behavior. It clarifies why certain attachment styles may cause people to seek confirmation, validation, and approval more frequently. Understanding these patterns helps recognize that the search for approval is often rooted in deeper emotional needs, rather than just insecurity.
In 'Self-Compassion' by Kristin Neff, it is argued that many rely on external judgment because they find it difficult to show kindness and understanding to themselves. Neff insists that self-compassion creates a healthier foundation for self-worth than self-esteem based on achievements, comparison, or approval. Instead of constantly assessing one's own adequacy, she recommends treating oneself with the same care as one would a friend, which reduces the need for external affirmation and increases emotional resilience.
Finally, 'Quiet' by Susan Cain explores the strengths of introverts in a culture that often celebrates extroverted traits. Cain questions the notions of what success and attractiveness should look like, urging readers to value their natural temperament rather than conforming to expectations. She reminds us that authenticity is more important than approval.
The search for approval is a natural part of the human existence; however, problems arise when it becomes the main driving force determining our relationships, self-perception, and decisions. These books—whether it is the liberating perspective of 'The Courage to Be Disliked,' the exploration of vulnerability in 'The Gifts of Imperfection,' the psychological insights of 'Attached,' the emotional wisdom of 'Self-Compassion,' or the call for authenticity in 'Quiet'—show that stable confidence cannot be built on the opinion of others. True self-worth comes from knowing oneself, accepting oneself as one is, and making decisions that align with one's values, rather than just those that elicit applause. Once a person stops needing everyone's approval, they begin to live more freely.
It is easy to judge people by observing them from afar: we see their decisions, behavior, or beliefs and quickly form an opinion about them. However, the more we learn about human nature, the clearer it becomes that every person carries experiences, difficulties, fears, and motives that are not immediately visible.
Becoming less judgmental does not mean abandoning one's values or accepting every action as correct. Rather, it means developing the ability to understand the complexity of phenomena, consider different points of view, and approach other people with curiosity rather than prejudice.
Some books are particularly effective in shaping this worldview. Through the lens of psychology, memoirs, philosophy, and fiction, they help readers perceive people as more complex and human than they appear at first glance.
The first book on the list is Harper Lee's novel, 'To Kill a Mockingbird.' One of the most significant lessons from this classic book is Atticus Finch's advice on empathy. Through Scout Finch's eyes, readers witness prejudice, misunderstanding, and moral complexity, and the novel constantly urges us to look beyond appearances and view life from another person's perspective.
The second book is Frederick Backman's 'Anxious People.' At first glance, the characters in this book are easy to categorize. Nevertheless, as the plot develops, readers gradually discover the fears, disappointments, hopes, and struggles hidden behind each character's behavior. Characters who initially seem irritating or irrational become increasingly understandable. Backman's novel serves as a powerful reminder that everyone is fighting battles we may know nothing about.
The third book is Lori Gottlieb's 'Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.' As a therapist, Lori Gottlieb spends her days listening to people reveal their deepest fears, mistakes, and vulnerabilities. Through the stories of her patients and her own life, she demonstrates how easily we judge others when we only see their actions, not their entire history. The book encourages readers to replace assumptions with curiosity and to recognize shared humanity despite seemingly different life circumstances.
The fourth book is Dolly Chung's 'The Person You Mean to Be.' Many view judgment solely on a personal level, but it also affects our perception of groups, identities, and social issues. Dolly Chung explores unconscious biases and the ways in which even people with good intentions can make unfair assumptions. Instead of focusing on accusation, she emphasizes growth, awareness, and a willingness to learn. The book calls on readers to honestly and compassionately examine their own thought patterns.
The fifth book is Anthony Ray Hinton's 'The Sun Does Shine.' Anthony Ray Hinton spent nearly three decades on death row for a crime he did not commit. His memoirs are both heartbreaking and inspiring, offering a personal account of injustice, resilience, and forgiveness. Reading his story forces readers to question assumptions about guilt, innocence, and human worth. The book vividly illustrates how incomplete information can lead to destructive judgments.
The sixth book is Rutger Bregman's 'Humankind.' Modern media often highlights the worst qualities of humanity, which facilitates cynicism towards people. Rutger Bregman refutes this view by analyzing evidence suggesting that people, as a whole, are more cooperative, compassionate, and worthy than we often assume. The book urges readers to question negative assumptions and treat others with greater trust and openness.
The seventh book is Tara Westover's 'Educated.' Tara Westover's memoirs touch upon themes of family, identity, education, and personal transformation. One of the main strengths of the book is its refusal to reduce people to simple categories of good or bad. Even while describing painful experiences, Westover portrays people with nuance and complexity. Readers recall that people's beliefs and behaviors are often shaped by circumstances, environment, and experiences they did not choose.
Being less judgmental does not mean agreeing with everything or abandoning critical thinking. It is an acknowledgment that people are rarely as simple as they initially appear. Whether it is empathy in 'To Kill a Mockingbird,' humanity in 'Anxious People,' therapeutic ideas in 'Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,' self-awareness encouraged by 'The Person You Mean to Be,' the perspective in 'The Sun Does Shine,' the optimism in 'Humankind,' or the complexity found in 'Educated,' these books offer valuable lessons in understanding others. They remind us that behind every opinion, mistake, success, or failure lies a story we may not fully know. And often, the better we understand these stories, the less desire we have to judge.
Human connections are rarely simple. Friendships evolve, families hold unspoken stories, romantic relationships face unexpected difficulties, and even the closest people can remain enigmas. Literature has long drawn attention to this complexity, examining the ways people interact, misunderstand each other, and navigate the emotional spectrum between love and conflict.
The best novels about relationships do not offer easy answers. Instead, they capture the beauty, intricacy, tenderness, and contradictions that define human connection. They remind us that relationships are shaped not only by attachment but also by time, communication, memory, expectations, and personal growth.
The first book, Sally Rooney's 'Normal People,' tells the story of two people whose lives remain deeply intertwined despite repeated separations and misunderstandings. Connell and Marianne go through friendship, romance, distance, and personal transformation while trying to understand themselves and each other. The novel's realism is striking in how Rooney conveys the subtle moments when people cannot express their feelings, make assumptions, or cope with vulnerability.
The second book, Celeste Ng's 'Little Fires Everywhere,' examines family ties through the destinies of two very different families whose paths intersect. As secrets unfold and tension mounts, the focus shifts to issues of motherhood, identity, privilege, and belonging. Ng masterfully shows how love within a family can coexist with conflict, misunderstanding, and differing expectations, as definitions of what is 'best' can vary drastically between parents and children.
The third novel, Fredrik Backman's 'A Man Called Ove,' begins as the story of a lonely and seemingly irritable man but gradually transforms into a touching exploration of friendship, community, and grief. Ove's interactions with his neighbors demonstrate how relationships can develop unpredictably. Despite attempts to keep people at a distance, genuine human connection slowly permeates his life, showing that bonds often arise from everyday acts of kindness, persistence, and shared experience.
The fourth book, Taylor Jenkins Reid's 'The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo,' explores romantic relationships, ambition, friendship, and the sacrifices people make to achieve their dreams. When Hollywood icon Evelyn Hugo tells her story, readers discover that relationships are rarely as straightforward as they appear on the surface. Love can become complicated due to time, societal expectations, personal ambitions, and difficult choices.
Fredrik Backman's fifth novel, 'Anxious People,' uses an unusual hostage situation to create a deeply human story about loneliness, empathy, marriage, parenthood, and friendship. Each character enters the narrative with personal problems and hidden emotional burdens. Readers see how misunderstandings often mask deeper vulnerabilities, emphasizing that everyone is engaged in an internal struggle that others do not see. Backman illustrates the power of empathy in human connection with humor and compassion.
The sixth book, Jhumpa Lahiri's 'The Namesake,' stands out for its exceptional subtlety in exploring family relationships. The story follows the Ganguli family across generations as they navigate immigration, cultural identity, and changing expectations. The relationship between parents and children forms the emotional core of the novel, where Lahiri captures the misunderstandings arising from different generational perceptions of the world, while simultaneously highlighting the deep love existing beneath that tension.
The final book, Gabrielle Zevin's 'Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow,' focuses on the decades-long friendship of two creative colleagues whose lives intertwine through a shared passion for video game design. Unlike many relationship novels that prioritize romance, this book centers on friendship, exploring loyalty, ambition, jealousy, creativity, forgiveness, and emotional dependence. Zevin shows that friendship can be as transformative, intense, and complex as romantic bonds.
Stories about relationships resonate because they reflect universal experiences. Almost everyone has experienced friendship, family dynamics, love, misunderstanding, loss, or reconciliation. These books help readers better understand not only fictional characters but also the people in their own lives, revealing the influence of emotions, communication, expectations, and personal history on human connection. It is important to remember that relationships are rarely perfect; their complexity is part of what makes them meaningful.
The most memorable books about relationships acknowledge that human connection is simultaneously beautiful and complex. Whether it is friendship, romance, family ties, or community, these seven novels reflect the myriad ways people influence, challenge, and transform one another. From the emotional depth of 'Normal People' to the enduring friendship in 'Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow,' each book offers a unique perspective on the meaning of connecting with another person, collectively providing a thoughtful exploration of the relationships that shape our lives and ultimately define much of the human experience.
In addition to volunteering and helping others, which remain central elements of Mandela Month, reading can be a powerful catalyst for taking action. This month is not just a celebration of Nelson Mandela's life, but also a reminder that even small acts of kindness, courage, and compassion can have a long-term impact.
Every action matters, whether it is dedicating time, protecting others, or studying the past. One of the most effective ways to begin this journey is by turning to books. The right story can change a reader's worldview and inspire them to bring about changes in their own community.
The five significant works presented touch upon themes of forgiveness, resilience, justice, education, and hope, reminding us that change often begins with ordinary people.
The book 'A Human Being Died That Night' by Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela is considered one of South Africa's most important works dedicated to reconciliation and forgiveness. It is a deep exploration of issues of responsibility, atonement, and healing in post-apartheid South Africa.
The author, who was a member of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission's Human Rights Violations Committee, spent months interviewing Eugene de Kock, commander of the apartheid government's death squad 'Vlakplaas,' known as the 'Main Evil' due to the crimes he committed. Instead of focusing solely on his crimes, Gobodo-Madikizela examines the complex issues of remorse, accountability, and the possibility of forgiveness.
The book urges readers to move beyond anger and revenge, asserting that genuine remorse can restore a person's humanity without erasing their responsibility. Forgiveness, according to the book, can be an act of strength for victims. This award-winning book has made a significant contribution to discussions about justice and healing both in South Africa and globally.
For those seeking a story of survival in the face of insurmountable difficulties, Ishmael Beah's 'Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier' is unforgettable. It tells the true story of a boy whose childhood was destroyed by the civil war in Sierra Leone.
When the civil war reached Beah's village in Sierra Leone, he was only 12 years old. Torn from his family, he wandered through the countryside with other boys, trying to avoid famine and violence. At age 13, he was recruited into the government army, where drugs, violence, and manipulation turned children into soldiers.
Years later, UNICEF saved him, helping him begin a difficult path to healing. Through counseling, music, and patient support, Beah gradually rebuilt his life before moving to New York and becoming an advocate for war-affected children. His memoirs are heartbreaking yet filled with hope, reminding readers that children deserve protection, education, and the right to dream, regardless of where they are born.
For younger audiences and families wishing to understand South Africa's past, Athambile Masilela and Xolisi Huru's 'Together Apart: The Story of Living in Apartheid' offers a fascinating introduction. It introduces young readers to the history of apartheid in South Africa through the eyes of four curious children and their grandmother.
The plot follows four children who return home from school with questions about apartheid. Their grandmother answers them, telling stories of how segregation affected daily life. Rather than focusing only on political leaders or major events, the book explores where people lived, what schools they attended, whom they could marry, and even how they played sports and music. This narrative approach facilitates understanding of a complex history and promotes intergenerational dialogue, reflecting Mandela's belief that education is one of the strongest tools for building a democratic and equal society.
Another remarkable story of resilience is presented by Poppy Homande in 'The Smallest Ones: Two Sisters' Escape from DRC Rebels and Their Pursuit of Freedom.' These are powerful memoirs of survival, endurance, and hope.
When Homande was only five years old, her village was attacked by rebels in the Democratic Republic of Congo. She and her sister were captured and spent five years in captivity, enduring violence and trauma. Their escape marked the beginning of another incredible journey, as they traversed thousands of kilometers through forests, using the sun as a guide. They eventually reached South Africa, where new challenges awaited them. Although she did not hold a pen until age 10, Homande embraced education with determination. She later earned a degree in Information Technology at Nelson Mandela University and specialized in cybersecurity at the University of Cape Town. Her memoirs serve as a reminder that hope can survive even in the darkest circumstances, and they reflect Mandela's conviction that societies should be judged by how they care for their most vulnerable members.
Speaking out against corruption requires courage, and Mandi Wiener's 'The Whistleblowers' sheds light on those who risk everything to expose abuses. Instead of focusing on court cases or political drama, Wiener tells the stories of fifteen individuals from different parts of South Africa who decided to reveal corruption despite personal costs.
Their experiences span corporate boards and state capture networks, as well as farming communities and areas affected by organized crime. The book shows that whistleblowers are rarely seen as heroes; many lose their jobs, face financial hardship, intimidation, or live under constant threat. Wiener also explores the complex reality that not every whistleblower has an impeccable past, raising important questions about accountability and public interest. The result is a thought-provoking look at honesty, bravery, and the price people sometimes pay for the truth.
