Recently, there has been a sharp increase in the use of therapy-related terminology on social media. People have started frequently using concepts such as 'narcissism,' 'gaslighting,' and most commonly, 'boundaries.'
However, in the pursuit of protecting one's inner peace, we risk losing the essence of the issue. One of the most common questions received in correspondence is something like: 'How can I set clear boundaries in a relationship without becoming a controlling partner?'
This is an extremely important question. In the pursuit of not being taken advantage of, many people build fortress walls around themselves, calling them 'boundaries,' while others leave the doors open, not understanding why they continue to suffer.
It is necessary to understand the subtle balance of boundaries, as both extreme approaches can destroy a partnership, and also to understand how to conduct such a conversation correctly.
First and foremost, it must be realized that a boundary and a controlling rule are not the same thing. Although they may look similar at first glance, their internal purpose is diametrically opposed.
A boundary is related to self-control; it is a statement about what a person will do to protect their own dignity and peace of mind. It focuses entirely on the individual's actions.
A controlling rule, on the other hand, is aimed at controlling another; it is a demand or prescription intended to dictate, restrict, or monitor the partner's behavior.
An example of a healthy boundary sounds like this: 'I cannot stay in a relationship where I am lied to.' A controlling rule asserts: 'You are not allowed to go out with friends because I don't trust what you will do.'
Relationships need structure to survive, but like a house, this structure must be strong yet flexible enough to withstand a storm.
For years, hard and soft limits have been discussed, most often in the context of sexual encounters. Rarely is it discussed what is acceptable and unacceptable outside the bedroom.
When a relationship is governed by an endless list of strict rules, it suffocates intimacy. If you constantly monitor who your partner talks to, what they wear, or how they spend every minute of the day under the guise of protecting your boundaries, you are not in a partnership, but in a high-security prison.
Ultimately, the partner will start to distance themselves, accumulate resentment, or rebel against the restrictions. True love cannot exist without trust and freedom.
On the other hand, starting a relationship without any boundaries is a recipe for quiet resentment. If you constantly suppress your dissatisfaction for the sake of 'keeping the peace,' you are not showing tolerance, but slowly undermining your own self-respect.
Without established boundaries, sooner or later you will wake up feeling completely undervalued, exhausted, and bitter toward a partner who doesn't even realize they are violating your invisible lines.
If you realize that the scale of your relationship is heavily tilted in either direction, it is time to sit down and talk. Here is how to have this conversation without provoking a defensive war.
Never try to set a boundary in the middle of a fight. Wait for a neutral, calm moment, such as a quiet Sunday morning walk or after a relaxed dinner. As regular readers know, the author prefers moments during a car ride, as the conversational partner has nowhere to run!
Start by expressing your commitment: 'I love our relationship and want to ensure that we both feel safe and respected.'
Frame the conversation based on your feelings and needs, not on your partner's mistakes. Instead of saying, 'You never check in, and that is disrespectful,' try saying: 'I feel intense anxiety when I don't hear from you for hours during trips. It helps me feel connected when we send a quick message.'
It is important to remember that a boundary requires your action if it is violated. Clearly define what you will do for yourself. For example: 'If we start yelling at each other during an argument, I will take a 20-minute walk to calm down before we continue.'
After stating your position, pass the ball to your partner. Ask: 'How do you feel about this? Does this seem reasonable to you, or is there a way to adjust it so it works for both of us?' This prevents the partner from feeling cornered.
Boundaries are not a weapon to punish a partner nor a shield to push people away. When set correctly, boundaries become a roadmap to intimacy. They show your partner how to love you well, without having to guess.
This winter, as we huddle warmer, let's focus on building bridges of clear communication, not walls of control. Your relationship will thank you for it.
The 'Hands-On Heroes' event was held in Cape Town by the organization Ladles of Love, where thousands of volunteers gathered at the DHL stadium to mark Mandela Day. This initiative calls on South Africans to dedicate 67 minutes to community service.
The main goal of the event was to provide essential food and educational materials to 20,000 preschoolers in underserved areas. At the Cape Town event, families, schools, corporations, and local groups collaborated in zones dedicated to 'Creation, Creativity, Crafts, and Growth.' Participants engaged in making sandwiches, packing nutritious kits, creating early learning aids, and planting vegetable boxes, demonstrating a spirit of shared responsibility.
Danny Dilberto, founder of Ladles of Love, noted that this day serves as a reminder of the principles championed by Nelson Mandela—how ordinary people take responsibility for improving their community. He also emphasized that this year's theme for International Mandela Day, 'The fight against poverty and inequality is still in our hands,' is a call to action for every citizen.
Speaker and participant Mark Lotter highly praised the camaraderie he witnessed. Lotter stated: 'What amazes me today, as always, is seeing people from all walks of life come together to do something so important. We shouldn't only do this on Mandela Day.'
The success of the Cape Town event has paved the way for a similar event in Johannesburg. Organizers are calling on residents, companies, and community groups to participate in an event scheduled to take place at the EXPO Johannesburg center, Nasrec, on Wednesday, July 22, 2026. According to Dilberto, the Johannesburg event offers companies a convenient way to engage employees in service, as Ladles of Love has already organized the necessary infrastructure, materials, and beneficiary list.
Dilberto added that 'Johannesburg still has a chance to shine. The activities are ready, the need is real, and there is still time to book.' Tickets for the Johannesburg event cost 300 rand, with discounted rates of 200 rand for students and pensioners. Every contribution from a ticket helps the organization in its mission—providing two healthy meals a day for a child for an entire month.
A recent large-scale study revealed that South Africans' attitudes towards the LGBTQ+ community have shifted towards greater tolerance over the past decade; however, deeply entrenched stigma, discrimination, and violence remain a serious problem for hundreds of thousands of people.
According to the report 'Admission Reserved: How South Africans View LGBTI People Today – A Decade of Change Revealed,' commissioned by The Other Foundation and conducted via the South African Social Attitudes Survey by the Human Sciences Research Council, there is a significant shift in the country's social dynamics. Analysis of data collected from over 3200 respondents demonstrates that the country stands at the intersection of progressive legal frameworks and complex social realities.
The Queer Dubs Forum at the University of Cape Town officially welcomed the findings, noting that the data confirms a massive cultural shift. Over the past decade, the percentage of South Africans who considered homosexual relationships inherently wrong has decreased from 66% in 2015 to 52% in 2025. Today, the majority at 60% agree that lesbians and gay men deserve the same rights as everyone else, and 46% of citizens reported that their personal views have become noticeably more tolerant in the last five years.
The study emphasizes that acquaintance fosters empathy. Nearly seven out of ten South Africans know a gay man, 63% know a lesbian woman, and 39% have at least one friend or family member who identifies as LGBTQ+. Researchers concluded that these everyday personal contacts are the main driver for supporting inclusivity, equality, and dignity. The report concludes that progress is now not only being made in legislative battles but is also actively discussed around tables, in religious circles, and within local communities.
However, the data reveals a dangerous gap between public opinion and actual safety. Although about half the population mistakenly believes that LGBTQ+ individuals are not subjected to violence or persecution in their neighborhoods, the statistical picture raises serious concerns. According to the study's estimates, approximately 1.13 million South Africans have physically harmed or harassed someone because of their sexual orientation, and about 870,000 people targeted transgender individuals.
Commenting on these dual realities, Queer Dubs Chair Dr. Lwando Scott referenced the legacy of anti-apartheid activist and gay rights fighter Simon Nkoli, who once stated: 'we must be visible to be liberated.' Dr. Scott stressed that visibility remains an indispensable element of modern struggles, pointing out that the study clearly shows that people with LGBTQ+ family members, friends, or colleagues are significantly less likely to commit violence. He called for the continuation of both grassroots activism and academic work to demonstrate that queer people are an integral and permanent part of African society. Ultimately, the report underscores that while constitutional protection remains a vital shield, true acceptance is shaped through daily social connections. Forums like Queer Dubs believe that evidence-based discussions generated by this research are necessary tools for policy advancement, as understanding these changing attitudes is the only way institutions and society as a whole can collaborate to transform legal equality into real and safe lives for all South Africans.
Foreign citizens from various African nations, such as Ghana, Nigeria, Malawi, Mozambique, Uganda, and Zimbabwe, have left South Africa through repatriation programs organized by their respective governments over several weeks.
South Africa, traditionally a point of arrival for African workers, has been facing intense protests and unrest against immigrants. These latter are frequently accused of competing for jobs with South African citizens.
Kimiebi Ebienfa, spokesperson for the Nigerian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, confirmed the return of 1,490 Nigerians from South Africa following a series of humanitarian flights coordinated between June and July. In a statement released on Wednesday, Ebienfa specified that a fifth Air Peace flight departed from Johannesburg that morning, transporting 305 Nigerians and three government officials responsible for supervision.
The operation was implemented in direct response to security concerns generated by continuous xenophobic attacks against foreigners, including Nigerians.
Government data indicates that xenophobic violence has resulted in the death of 11 Mozambicans. Furthermore, there was an armed attack in the South African province of Gauteng on Tuesday, which left two more citizens seriously injured, linked to violence against immigrants, according to the Mozambique Information Office (Gabinfo).
Regarding Mozambique, the country has received up to 1,363 repatriated citizens who are victims of this violence, joining 6,156 Malawians who passed through the territory affected by the same situation.
Malawi reported repatriating 38,000 citizens in just one month at the beginning of July, while Zimbabwe recorded the repatriation of 21,300 people.
The Prime Minister of Nigeria declared that there were no signs of improvement in the situation, announcing new repatriation flights. She requested Pretoria to investigate the deaths of two Nigerians, attributing them to the anti-immigration campaign, although the South African police denied any link between these deaths and the protests. The wave of violence also manifested through looting and criminal arson in commercial establishments.
